Grief is About Time

clocks

 

Often when i am working on an emotional piece, my writings unlock the door…… and then i watch them shift and evolve and bring in more. There is always more.

So to Grief, i say……. bring it, and gently please. There’s a lot of you…….. and while my nature is to do things in one big fiery blast, somehow this feels different…… this feels important to go slower with, or maybe it’s just so big that I’m trying to convince myself that drips and drabs are easier than tidal waves. And maybe it’s not big at all…. and it’s my resistance that makes it seem so. Probably. I’m not as complex as i like to think. 🤪

********

Grief is about time.

Lack of.
Loss of.
The passing by too quickly of.
And really i think it’s a lack of presence in.
We rally our wishes together and search frantically for the first star at twilight, magic wand in hand, to cast our wish to get a bit of those moments back, to turn back time.

When we deny grief, we deny presence…… and then it cascades into a series of days, weeks, months,,,,,, and a lifetime of not feeling we are connecting…… of not feeling we are feeling…… basic human emotions……. because we aren’t.

We can’t deny one and hope the others that we like better find their way through the sieve. We can’t block the grief holes or the anger holes without also blocking the joy ones and the delight ones. (We can try and stuff some of the holes with bits of play dough left over from our childhood, which is a grand effort, but everyone knows play Dough doesn’t hold, it makes a mess, and then you regret ever inviting it in as you work to get it out of carpets, couches, and hair.) Emotions don’t work that way, although they can be just as messy as play dough.

Block one, you block them all.

And then you find that you THINK emotions rather than feel them……. and your whole life feels like a passing of moments before your eyes that you weren’t really in. (Why hello PTSD from everyday occurrences. Surprised?. Not really.)
Because……
That is exactly what is happening.

Life is a feast, a party, a celebration……….. and that is only if you invite all of the guests to the table. ALL OF THEM. Grief, sadness, anger, joy, delight, loss, rage, shame, and so on and so forth.

Otherwise you’re just sitting at the window outside the grand hall watching yourself (and in awe of how beautiful you are yet wondering why you move with an absence of grace) as if you were a character in your life and pondering as to why you weren’t invited.

You were.
You always were.

It was just too big and too scary to dance with all of yourself……. because then you would have to acknowledge how powerful you are…. how big you are….. how grand you are…….. how complex and simple you are at the same time……and that is sometimes the scariest thing in the world. To be whole. Real. Big.

And yet think of how much energy it takes to hold all of that Big back. It’s exhausting.

Aren’t you tired yet?

******

More rambles as I’m sporting my grief colored glasses. I seem to have misplaced my joyful rose colored ones, which I’m sure will surface soon….. they always do.
Waves baby…. waves…….

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